Outstretched on my bed, I surrendered completely. I gave up. I gave in. I gave everything. In the days that followed I would be ripped apart, tearing myself open time and again. A rock rolling across the earth only to smash itself against its own reflection. I longed for roots. I longed to stay, but part of me would always go and take the rest of me with it. I did not really know who I gave myself to. I gave myself away too easily time and again. I tried to be the first to yield. I tried to be obedient. I tried to give away my pride. For three years, I was destroying myself. It was a spiritual disease, and I was a divided kingdom, torn between heaven and hell, between God and Satan, fighting for the possession of my soul and the soul of the world, if not the universe. It was a lot of pressure, and I was lost.
Feeling of helplessness. Check. Belief in a higher power. Check. Surrender completely. Check. Well, I had the first three steps down and what a journey would ensue. Now, I was in for no 12-step program but a fundamental disintegration of the ego and a rebuilding towards a completely different conception of what it is I am in this world, this school called earth. All the suffering had to be for a reason, but what? Why did I have to be afflicted with this illness, this giant God-hole that nothing could fill?
Submitted by rocinante on