Well, I gave my city's counseling center a call today. I've been pretty hesitant about it, since I never had resourceful therapists before. It's really come down to this though, especially since last night's nightmares. Hopefully being really plain about what I want in therapy, and some clear directions about what my mental health/cycles consist of (as well as my "danger signs") will maybe provide some helpful results. Who can tell though?

Last night was horrible! I had a very long series of nightmares going on, and for the first time in my life I peed the bed. I'm 21 fucking years old, and I peed my sheets and my favorite stripey pajamas. Ever since the arrest I've been having rape nightmares. Last night was no exception. They are unbelievably brutal. I scream my brains out. I can FEEL it happening to me. I try and try and try to get away, fight back, wake up. They are very real. I got raped twice in a dream last night, and I peed all over my subconscious attacker when he penetrated me. The arrest really re-traumatized me. I hate it, because I don't want to let the bastards get to me like this! This morning (well afternoon, really, ha!) was really frustrating because not only A) I pissed myself but B) I must of slept with my glasses on and I stumbled about feeling my wet bed and the floor and whatnot desperately trying to find them, as I was still all riled up from the dreams and I'm like, blind as a bat. It threw me off all day.

I called my pal on the other coast because I didn't put his new address in a logical place and wanted to send him a package. He and I have a pretty damn strong psychic connection. The last time I talked to him was the first time in months, right after I got arrested. When he answered the phone he said, "I knew you were going to fucking call!" and proceeded to tell me about this dream he had. He saw me, and I looked totally different. I had a trendy black-with-white tips haircut, and also I was being out-of-character. I was seething about something, not angry at him. "The only time I have ever seen you like that is the one time we were talking about people shooting wolves!" he said. I guess I punched him in the arm and said, "Why didn't you call me, ya bastard?" He came up with some excuse, and then I said, "Well, as soon as you wake up, you better fucking call me!". So he did, but it was my old number. It was the week I got arrested. Today I called him for the address, and he sounded sick, though he said he wasn't sick. Are you mentally okay? No, he says. How did you know? he asks. I don't know, man! I gotta call him later after work here at my friend's fabulous bookstore, the only independent one in town (woohoo!). It was just an interesting ESP/synchronatic event....

So I was thinking about meds, and going back on them. It's all a big catch twenty-two situation. I wanted to take care of myself more holistically recently, yet I can't make any lasting commitments or changes since my moods are so goddamn erratic. I'm desperately trying to be in control, but my attempts are short-lived, and of course, all-or-nothing type situations. When my inner-self takes a plunge into the murky waters of hopelessness, I think what's the fucking use? I was on lexepro two years ago, and it was somewhat helpful. It was my first/last time ever on meds, because I was always so scared of them. On the negative side, it didn't really effect my constant anxiety or lethargy. On the positive side, I was less irritable, more focused, had better attention, and a better memory. During that time I started, built up, and completed a big project from scratch--which is a MAJOR accomplishment in my herstory. Usually, I'm a manic honeymooner in the beginning, then somewhere a long the line I start to think I'm letting everyone down, I'm doomed to fail, etc. etc. and of course, I drop out and sabotage my wonderful ideas and dreams. I am willing to take a risk to be able to be more balanced! I don't want to be so self-absorbed anymore and I am so tired of constantly being in survival mode, ya know? I want to know what it feels like one day, to breathe calmly! My anxiety has been so bad the past few years, I can see my heart pumping blood through my tummy. I want to know what the hell it's like to not have to down four free iced coffees at work so I can stay awake! The world feels so malevolent and I feel like a stranger in it, and to myself, and I got to take control. I've been sober since the middle of August and I realized that ever since I discovered drugs/alchohol I've been taking them to deal with my emotional/mental health and I need someplace else to start now.. I am fucking so burnt out on the drawing board, where I've been living since I was 18! I am dull and dissallusioned and afraid and so sensitive to everyone and what happened? I used to never be like this! I was brave, unapologetic, passionate, sexual, with strong convictions and a load of follow through! I can't wait for the day untill I can truly feel like myself again, untill I won't be calling up pals all the time through tears, or I won't be writing such desperate blogs but hopeful and whole ones!!!