Throwing out a life I was blessed enough to have is so wasteful and unappreciative, throwing it out because I'm too scared to feel and too acknowledge? That is such bullshit. And as of right now, it's over. What precious and limited time I have to learn, to create, to love and have fun, and to learn from grief and pain. That's how wisdom is aqcuired after all. Wisdom isn't acuired through denying our ugly feelings, but from feeling them through. Pain and death have something to teach us. And I am learning from this season, through observing the earth growing through it's cycle of death, rebirth, and bloom

still...even in my mirror images embrace, burning as was meant for me, i feel, my heart would be elsewhere, wishing for the smile of a quiet kind of special that I'll never measure up to.

after the trance evening..

i hate myself and i want to die i hate myself and i want to die i hate myself and i want to die

He said something today...that made me fall in love all over again.

my last fuck up with formal education... trying to reach out to a porfessor and make her realize that she made a mistake....

BUT! of course getting fucked in the process. anyway, it's my fault fro expecting her to see that she made a mistake. she could have given me an I, Y, X, or W. BUT instead used her power and personal bitterness against me. to taint my already terrible transcript (littered with Ws), she pulled my GPA down to below a 3.0 out of spite. Anyway, i wrote her a little letter....

Am I wrong for thinking that her letter back to me was oddly rude and over-reactive???

I had an awesome weekend but I think I am having one of those days...

 what you need to know? absolutly nothing my friend. what you need to do? well breathe i guess. do a little jig. jiggling. why so taboo? i luv to jiggle but rarely do it. jiggle your whole body...there is a qi gong thing that is basically jiggling -i call it the tibetan jiggle...

why do i consistently feel like going to my addictive behavioral disconnected thinking gets me anywhere? i realize it gets me nowhere and indeed i believe that is where i want to be..do you? stranger? do you?