So things are a bit crazy again in my head. Not spinning, just so isolated. And no way out of the isolation because the alternative is worse. I just keep digging the grave deeper with people. So I have had to withdraw and reflect and just take time alone again. I don't realy mind alone once I get used to it. It's just hard sometimes when I am so isolated. It seems better for now though. I get by. That's all that matters.

I will take" yes, I know I should stop acting like this , but I cant, and now Im angry so its worse" for 1000 Alex.

i feel real ill and i don't know what it is.  it could be stress.

the odds are all stacked against me.  my big problem is my honesty.  i applied for welfare again.  that was terribly embarrassing.  it is the second time i have tried to get assistance like that.  the caseworker sat across from me and told me how it seems to be the people who lie that get everything.  she also gave me her lunch.  i broke down in that office, just like i did the last time i applied.  i go in so optimistic feeling all hope-for-humanity and philanthropic but leave completely dysphoric.

Bah!

I just need to understand where I stand...what I'm willing to sacrifice and what I'm not...to be me.
 

So miracles...they do happen. And my work with these kids? I see that they do live on. And that I feel incredibly blessed to have been given a gift and I feel it is my responsibility to figure my own shit out so I can be fully available to these children. I can't get down and I can't stop searching for the right way to live life for me. Whether it's meds, supplements, a combo or none, I will find what is natural to me because I just want to be the best that I can be...where ever that best may fall.
 

Me...friend and foe.

Today I realized that every day I was living symptom free of my disorder was a blessing. I was having a conversation with my current roommate and a mutual friend who wanted to get a house to rent with all of us together in Feburary/March, six months or so from now. We thought about it and decided to discuss it in January because we could all be in different places in six months.

And I thought, wow, six months from now, who knows what I'll look like compared to all the changes that happened to me in the last six months and last year. Last year at this time I believe I was in the state hospital in Georgia. Now look at me, geez!

I have a fast brain disorder. This is so freakin' true. Tonight I had three main things I wanted to accomplish for work. Initially I felt like it was going to take a lot of motivation on my part and secretly I was just going to be happy with doing one or two of the three.

So my mind is back!! I felt productive somewhat today. I just felt clearer and today would be the first day that the lithium is officially out of my body. I thank the lithium gods, but that was in the past- it really did save me for about a year and a half/two years. But then I changed, my body changed and now it has more toxic effects on me. So a little while ago, I RE-found icarus and everyone here got me thinking about alternatives. Why put somewhat toxic things in my body when there are other alternatives.

shades of grey lightening

Minneapolis MN USA Icarus organizers who are part of the North Star Health Collective are teaming up with Icaristas from NY and St. Louis to organize a jointly sponsored Wellness Center at the upcoming Republican National Convention Sept 1-4! Read more about the plan...

waking up to muffled sounds and muted sunlight

Hey y'all.  I'm new to this website.  Name is Aerin - from Chicago (Mad Tea Party sorta...)Just wondering if any radical folks will be at Alternatives conference in Buffalo NY Halloween weekend.  Or if not if there's anything going on for Halloween and what people's think about Alternatives Conference?  blog back or my email is aodugan@hotmail.com