So now old wounds are open again and they wish to not speak to me again. I can't go through this again. I wanted my family in my life so I worked so hard to get better. And not its being thrown away because of something I wrote when I was completely out of my mind and angry at the entire world. I changed and I've been different...but that never seems to matter.

Anyway...self control- I have a fucking shitload of it lol. And part of me feels proud for getting to the point where I can control myself. I can relive in my head what I want to do over and over again, but I do not cross the line. And that has made all the difference.

Sigh. But that's just me on this mad journey. It's crazy sometimes, but I probably wouldn't have it any other way. I'd rather care too much than too little. I'd rather have a million things going on than one. Then again that sounds all a little extreme ;-) But hey that's me!!! And that's the way I roll!

Just...being crazy took a lot from me and it continues to take from me. But as much as it takes it also gives. I am the person I am today and I'm happy to be this person, but a lot of it comes from being crazy. I like my fast brain and the way I can think about autism and treat these kids and I just don't think it would be possible if I was completely sane. I understand these kids in a way because of what I have been through. It's just all a very weird process that I don't fully understand.

Its all very maddening.

I just need to understand where I stand...what I'm willing to sacrifice and what I'm not...to be me.
 

So miracles...they do happen. And my work with these kids? I see that they do live on. And that I feel incredibly blessed to have been given a gift and I feel it is my responsibility to figure my own shit out so I can be fully available to these children. I can't get down and I can't stop searching for the right way to live life for me. Whether it's meds, supplements, a combo or none, I will find what is natural to me because I just want to be the best that I can be...where ever that best may fall.
 

Me...friend and foe.

Today I realized that every day I was living symptom free of my disorder was a blessing. I was having a conversation with my current roommate and a mutual friend who wanted to get a house to rent with all of us together in Feburary/March, six months or so from now. We thought about it and decided to discuss it in January because we could all be in different places in six months.

And I thought, wow, six months from now, who knows what I'll look like compared to all the changes that happened to me in the last six months and last year. Last year at this time I believe I was in the state hospital in Georgia. Now look at me, geez!

I have a fast brain disorder. This is so freakin' true. Tonight I had three main things I wanted to accomplish for work. Initially I felt like it was going to take a lot of motivation on my part and secretly I was just going to be happy with doing one or two of the three.

So my mind is back!! I felt productive somewhat today. I just felt clearer and today would be the first day that the lithium is officially out of my body. I thank the lithium gods, but that was in the past- it really did save me for about a year and a half/two years. But then I changed, my body changed and now it has more toxic effects on me. So a little while ago, I RE-found icarus and everyone here got me thinking about alternatives. Why put somewhat toxic things in my body when there are other alternatives.

Life can definitely keep you on your toes. Life is good right now. Well, not the total best- no car  no phone etc. but, I put things in my little box  in my head for things to deal with later and I'm pretty happy most of the time. I am at peace for the most part and calm. I am not currently experiencing any mood changes, I'm neither manic or depressed.

But...I have this little problem. When I don't take an anti-psychotic, I am paranoid as fuck. The littlest things can set me off. My roommate wakes up and just looks at me weird and suddenly I think she hates my guts and asking me to move in with her and that she is thinking all of these bad things about me. Same at work, just the wrong comment or look and it sends these negative things flying and I just think people are staring at me or talking about me and it's just awful. When I take my anti-psychotic, generally I am a-okay. Except today, I had to take an extra dose...hence keeping me on my toes. I have made the decision- I am going to call a psychiatrist and get an appointment tomorrow.
 

I used to try to fit my brain to life...but that got me nowhere. Now I fit my life to my brain and I finally feel natural...my brain feels natural and the way I live my life- I am at peace. I tried to fit a square peg into a round hole which would never go together but sometimes a round peg can fit into a square.

I love my new mind oritntation...so I can finally live life at peace.

I'm just glad I'm me and that I weathered the storms and come out all the stronger. With much faith and hope, I look forward to the future and I will continue to do all that I can to stay well. And to just be nobody but me.
 

So this is the after life. Shit happens but you deal with it. You don't do (too) many things out of the norm. The feelings still come and overwhelm, but don't destroy. You learn...gasp...coping mechanisms. AND THEY WORK!!! It was hard in the past to believe in something that I didn't know if they would work or not. I had to try new things and believe ahead of time that they would work. That is hard. That's why some people keep doing self destructive things- because they are known, you know the effect and sometimes the effect is temporarily good. So you keep doing the same ole thing because you are afraid of trying something new and not knowing the effect.

But you gotta let go of that sometime. Because sometimes new things work! Change happens when the fear of holding on is greater than the fear of letting go. Think about that. I did and it changed my life. I changed my life.
 

So I'm in survival mode, just for a little while. And unlike most people, I pray for the week days so I can work and leave my broken mind behind and have a good time and feel happy. When I don't have that, I lose it a little. And it's a little sad to say that work saves my mind, but I don't see it as sad. I found something in my life that is pure...that madness can't touch and I think that is a miracle.

"Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal."

I think the problem comes when I have extra stressers. But I'm dealing with them. I'm choosing not to indulge the depressions tugging at me. I'm choosing music expression instead of pain expression. I'm choosing writing over blood. I'm choosing solutions and not indecision. Strength is a matter of a made up mind and I made up my mind when I moved here that things would be different. And I get strength from that. And so this is all just another testament to me here in the present and future. A life with controlled extreme's if there is such a term. :-)

And no matter what it was like before...I have changed me forevery. No matter what may happen in the future...it is all changed and will be changed and I may never react in extreme's again because of the actions I have taken.

I remember once I was wondering which me was me- the mania, the hypomania, the depression or the elusive stable me. I wanted to find a book then that taught you how to have bipolar in a stable world. But now everything has calmed down in the after life. Nothing was over the top anymore. The volume dial was just turned down to a manageable level. And I didn't lose myself in the end. I would say that instead, I found myself.

Maybe it's when you have nothing left to live for that you are finally free to do anything.

I always wondered was, what happens after? What happens after you stop being admitted to psych wards, or end your years of therapy and how you grow up after being abused. They go through that hell and then BAM! They are older and wiser and living the good life? What is it like then? What do they say to people when they ask about gaps in employment or why you have so many scars on your arms? What do they say when people ask, why did you move out here, when the truth is that you moved to out run your ghosts and start somewhere new where people don't know your name or where you came from. What happens when your mental health is no longer the focus of your life, but in the background and just in your past. I just want to know what happens after. Why? Because I now find myself in that after kind of place. And it's not like the famous people who write books. They went through some great personal tragedy and was able to write about it and either became famous as a result or were already famous and just came out of the closet so to speak. You hear about them winning awards and being featured on the TV movie of the week and they have all this glitz and glam to go with their once troubled life. But what happens in the after to the regular joe schmoe on the street who was released from a mental hospital for the last time in their life and suddenly they find themselves in this whole new world where everything is different from everything they've known.