Fire in the hole

Fuck the Roman Calender!

I've made all these blogs about how bad my situation is, blowing off steam, being honest. I rarely take time to think about how much better I feel today than I did, say three years ago. At the time I was just out of a nervous breakdown, it hurt to eat and sleep and do just about anything, my mind was a tornado of bad karma, prosecuting and invasive thoughts. I was lost. Deep down part of me thought I was going to die. I though my balance had been destroyed forever.

Anyways I always manage to pick myself up, I should have gratitude where I carry this pesimissm. I don't have to like everything in the world, but I wish I could at least appreciate my own efforts. Thinking about mental health organizing and revolution lightens my mood, if anybody feels like talking to me about any of that, send me a message. There's a Cincinnati Bipolar and Depression Group that I'm going to attend in the middle of June and I am excited about that, I want to have something really groundbreaking and new to say to everyone there.

The winter was cold and I was 21 when I had my nervous breakdown. I debated about calling it a nervous breakdown for sometime, personally I felt like I had died. But the truth is I never did die, I was simply in a lot of pain. I made the decision to start calling it a nervous breakdown so that I could relate it to something in the outside world, and this way it would no longer be something that only existed inside of me.

The song "I Tried" by Bone Thugs-N-Harmony is deep and hella sweet. I have listened to it twenty times on the radio and have downloaded it as well. I wrote myself a note to write in my personal diary today but I have refused the order. Sometimes it feels pointless when I am the only one reading. Sometimes I dislike writing because of the unusual way I hold my pencil, which I have difficulty ammending. Recently I have started a new life in the town where I grew up. I moved from the city to the suburbs, and I am recieving free housing and board, which is nice. I have had two anxiety attacks since my arrival April 30th. That is two anxiety attacks in about twenty days. If I keep this pace up for twelve months, I will have 36.5 anxiety attacks in a one year period.