I haven't been taking care of myself lately. I made a pretty comprehensive list taped to my record player by my bed with all the things I need/desire to make me healthy and most importantly, not constantly suicidal. All these old thoughts have crept up on me again. All the ones I thought when I first got the gut feeling that my father sexually abused me. I plan on telling my whole family soon. It's wierd because I still go over my mom's house and see him. I think it's okay to go over there and not look at him or talk to him, but I may catch a glance or hear him speak and it's right back to reality. He's so sick physically now he's at the point of senility.  It's even more fucked up and strange that even after I told my mom, she'll still ask me if I want to sit down and eat with them. I have no idea what to feel about my family. I love my mom and sisters and nieces and nephew, but I have had in the past this codependent interaction with them, there was so much unspoken manipulation and intimidation and passive aggressiveness. There was also blatant aggression when I was about 13-15, that they rationalized as me being deserving of because I was "out of control" or whatever. I'm pretty freaked out about voicing my anger with them, and scared around one sister especially. It's not all black and white like people sometimes think. There are good memories, there is still the effort to give me love and support. I told my mother and she said she would leave my father if she wasn't responsible for keeping him alive. I have only had two "whole" memories of the abuse. I had flashbacks when I was far away from here and feeling safe. The sister I am most scared of used to be someone I looked up too when I was a teenager. She changed alot over the years and her attitude towards me grew into being controlling and mean. She told me alot of things I internalized...like I was narcissistic, trying to get attention, a pathological liar, etc... When I ran away from home when I was a kid she told her friends in big cities that I was dangerous, a "pathological" liar, "mentally ill", etc... Once she snooped around my room and got into this workbook I got from my local women's resource center and flipped out. Told me I was fucking selfish and disturbed and etc.. etc...so I stopped going there and tried to deny my intuition. But after weeks without a shower because I couldn't be in the same stall he has been in, not coming out feeling clean, I kind of shakily accepted the truth. So I am so nervous about this. That aformentioned sister just attempted suicide to get out of an abusive marriage and is moving back to the area. My sister closest in age to me has been sober for almost 11 months now after years of herion addiction. My oldest sister is the most stable one I'd say ("the perfect one") with amazing kids, but is christian and kind of closeminded about certain things so it's hard to open up. Plus we have 13 years a part and it makes me feel like she's another parent. So why the hell would I choose to live in the same town? A) to have the support of lifelong friends B) face the reality of incest and stand up to my family without running away after telling "the secret"...I'm thinking of writing a letter. I'm kind of scared because my mom and sister closest in age knows where I live, and I don't anyone busting down my door in this place I chose to feel safe in. So much is going on in their lives I hesitate to speak up, because I feel like everyone will fall apart...but I guess there never will be a right time. Maybe it happened to them, too. Even though my dad can't physically hurt my nieces and nephew, a couple of years earlier he was capable. I just want to make sure they are safe. If he fucking hurt them, I'll lose my shit.