So I wrote a letter to my family finally, telling them about the memories of my father sexually abusing me. My oldest sister, who is the most balanced of us all, responded first. She wrote an email that was really understanding. She said she didn't have any memories that would match up with mine, but she wanted to support me in whatever form of healing I chose. She reminded me that I was a good person and that she loved me. She also said she wanted to spend time together soon and we didn't have to talk about it if I didn't want to, that there wasn't any pressure to talk about it. My mother left me a message yesterday saying she was wondering how I was and that she and my other sisters missed me. I'm a little hesitant to call because I don't know how my sisters feel about it, but based on past reactions and there current circumstances mentally/emotionally, I can guess that they are feeling some sort of extreme, negative emotion whether that be anger or confusion or pain or betrayal, etc etc. I hope my mother doesn't expect that I will be over to visit anytime soon, being my father lives there. It's such a tricky, painful situation I don't really have the will to navigate right now.

The garden project I was working on fell through. The owner of the space said he wants to fence off the area and lock it up. He said (through his CSO, I never met him in person or talked to him on the phone) that our work attracted homeless people. We did let homeless people stay in the space, because it was cleaner and safer than most options they have to sleep outside. It was accessable for them because it was right in the downtown area and close to alot of resources like the soup kitchen, progressive center, etc. We would bring down food and other neccessities whenever we could. Mostly they were alchoholics and there was one heroin addict, and we didn't have a problem with them using there as long as they were respectful of the space. There was one man that stayed there every night who took care of the garden. Alot of the other dudes that stayed/stopped by sporadically didn't really respect the space, or the nice guy, because they would leave behind trash, destroy stuff, and steal from our supplies or the respecftul man. Yesterday we went there to do a compete overhaul and lay down the topsoil for the raised beds. We were going to leave a note drawn on some plywood just reminded those that stayed there that they need to take care of the place that they stay and understand we work very hard maintaining it, that we always try to help out and create a good sleeping/hang out spot for them with the little monetary means that we have. Plus, someone from inside the building it is adjacent to called the cops on them, and the cool guy was the only one there when the cops showed up. He has warrants for unpayed fines for vagrancy/etc that he obviously couldn't pay in his position so he went to jail for a few weeks. I wanted to state that they certainly don' t need the attention from the police and we don't want it either. That was one of the reasons we chose the location, because it was in an alley a car can't even venture down and is generally overlooked by the cops and most of the citizens. It really sucked the nice dude went to jail because he has been staying there even before we started the space sporadically and permanantly when we brought a bench in and bedding for him. So, When I went to my house to grab extra work gloves and a trash bin, I get a phone call from my friend who put the CSO on the phone. She said there was a complaint from the building on top of the building inspector (which this statement might actually be straight-up bullshit) looked it over and said it was a health/safety hazard. They are renting out the storefront in front of the garden that used to be owned by a really down guy that let us use our facilities and let the homeless folk do there thing. Now that it's up on the market again we lost that ally and they need to make it look presentable, etc, so they kicked us out because we could never concievably kick out someone who needs a safe place to sleep, rest their feet...I'm bummed. Extremely bummed about this. I guess the location wasn't acclimated towards our conditions like I thought.

I'm feeling really restless and confused. I'm still afraid of making a spiritual commitment to myself and of letting go. I totally forgot how to let go, feel free, not full of fear and self-doubt. I can identify with borderline personality disorder and post-traumatic stress syndrome. I lost trust in the universe as I discovered the truth about my father, a person who was supposed to provide and take care of me by default. I lost trust in my intution for almost two years, between believeing and not believing what I remembered. Now I don't know who to trust and my sense of reality is very fragile. This is a very hard time for me, in light of everything that has transpired. The past few weeks I've been getting into wierd little accidents and losing things. I've been losing time quite often. I feel like ever since last friday of last month I've run into a weird cosmic funk, some sort of bad luck, it's all coincidental stuff, and I'm really thinking I've got the evil eye on me and I need a spell to lift it. I need sustenance and healing. My friend put it well last week...he said he was tired of stripping down to nothing all the time, just to bare bones and felt he need to attract things to himself. Not material things of course, but some sort of positive substance. I'm falling apart and it's so hard to take care of myself. I'm hanging on with all my dear life. If anyone has some sort of encouraging words please please please post.