Last Thursday was my local Take Back the Night. I've been going to that event for five years straight, and this is the first year I've been able to get on the mic and say I'm a survivor of date rape/sexual abuse/incest in front of my community. I always expect these big, instaneaous liberating revelations each time I cross a major mountain path during my healing; then get really fucking depressed when I'm still left feeling lifeless, lethargic, and shitty.

I wish this wasn't so a part of my life everyday. That drinking juice or some bilboard or random conversation didn't trigger me. I wish I could fall asleep without having brutal nightmares of getting raped or chased. I've built up a fortress around me, because I lost all sense of trust. I lost the connection with my gutheart. I lost the deep connection I had with the forest and my imagination and acknowledging other planes in the universe. I feel like I attract extra destructive people. I try to pick positive, empathetic people to be around, but unless they had experiences like my own, I feel like I'm being burdensome after so long. I feel like I'm a stranger to myself. I'm so tired of being anxiety-ridden. I don't know how to let go of this. I just started acknowledging these experiences in my life for what they are. I just began mourning. I want to feel complete and confident. I am afraid of simple things people take for granted. I don't want to be constantly angry and on the defense. And so many kids I know think I'm fine. I can handle my own because I'm always busy with some project or activism. But I feel so out of step, so alone, so hopeless. I need love and don't know how to love or forgive myself. Things are going by so fast and I feel like a charred tree struck by lightning. I need birds and mosses to start nesting and growing in me. I need something to keep me together.