i can't sleep.

and then i don't want to sleep.  when i can remember my dreams they negate any restful feeling i might have had.  the less i sleep the worse i feel. 

i am lonely. 

i quit smoking cigarettes on sunday.  i had just detoxed from the meds i was on before and some whacko part of me thought it would be a good idea to take wellbutrin to help quit the cigarettes.

some days this week i couldn't leave my apartment because i couldn't control the watery discharge from the eye sockets.

nova cheers me up though.

it has been difficult adjusting to sleeping alone.  this is for the best though.  i still believe it.  it was impossible to mainting a good healthy relationship in that house.  it was impossible to be healthy in that house.  nearly everything around it drove me crazy.  i had to operate all zombied up in order to maintain.  but that didn't matter all that much i suppose.  he was happy as long as i was sleeping next to him.  didn't matter that the house smelled of shit and urine, that our bed was infested with fleas.  that i stepped in shit barefoot, that i didn't choose responsibility for those animals but that they instantly became mine.  i'm bitching now but i love them.  god i miss them.  i hope he is taking better care of them.  those dogs need a fenced yard. the neighbors hate how they run in the street.  i did too, but they had to go out, i was working with them... they were getting better.  fuck i'm seriously tangential.  i picked up a veritable mountain of shit off the floor.  the carpet we pulled halfway out only to reveal piss soaked floorboards.  the floor in the bathroom was rotton underneath the peeling linoleum.  i put duct tape over the peels, i scraped and recaulked the tub.  mold around the windows, mold in lots of places.

none of that mattered so long as i was close.  i kept him sane, he said.  i kept the bad dreams away, he said.  you need to be able to control them yourself, i said.  i love you but this house is killing me.  i moved.  it was to sick for nova and me.  then he just stopped talking to me.  we had been distant.  i miss him though.  we shouldn't be together but it's still so fresh and painful.

i can't see myself having a sexual relationship for a while now.  casual sex does not appeal to me.  i want to be held.  i miss having a partner to love.  someone who truly cares.  i don't even know if i believe in it any more.  it's alright though, i always say that. 

i'm a cynical romantic.

the sun has already risen and it's raining.

i love the rain.