"these emotions are unreasonably neat, deepening in understanding, it's annoying and foul"     (lyrics from a song my pal and I wrote)

These past few weeks haven't been good. I have so much on my mind and I have been neglecting many neccessary obligations. My house is a wreck, rent is late, I've been working my ass off and drinking when I'm not. Hanging out with people for the sake of not feeling alone. Well, after I told my family about my father sexually abusing me they didn't ostracize me. I don't think they believe me but they were still respectful and supportive and that's much better than I expected. I was ready for the worst. I guess after being afraid for my whole life about letting out the truth to my family, I conjured up very scary possible outcomes. So that's over and done with. The garden is shut down. Now I've got my hands up in the air wondering how the hell I got caught up in the drudgery of working at an irish pub and paying rent and pissing off my roommates with my carelessness. I look at my place and wonder what's the use? I can't stick around here much longer. But where to go? What's my aim? I want to live in the forest again. I want to cultivate most of my food and forage the rest. I would like to build a treehouse. I would like to make my own bows and arrows. These are all huge projects. They are overwhelmingly large. I know a few people with land that told me I can live there. I know more than a few who have built their own treehouses. But these people are so self-motivated it's hard not to feel out of place and lazy around them. It's hard not to feel alienated around people (especially communities of activists) when I'm processing so much grief and confusion. Alot of kids offer support when I open up to them but they usually don't know what to do when I need it, which is understandable. We have no manual really and alot of times I don't know what I need. And also, alot of times, it's hard for people to get I might need just a simple reminder to eat or sleep or take a shower or make an appointment or something. Things like that seem creepily codependent or unhealthy. I have been physically, perpetually lethargic for the past three years. I drink a million cups of coffee or matte when I could get it a day just to stay awake. I've tried changing my diet and staying sober and the extreme opposite all trying to change this. I even started eating meat again to see I was missing some sort of nutritional neccesity or exact complex of minerals/vitamins or something. Nothing seems to work. I've been thinking about going back on medication, but I'm scared. I was on medication before and it balanced me out. I was able to do a really awesome, big project during that time I was medicated and doing therapy. It didn't help to much with the lethargy though. But I stopped taking it abruptly when I went traveling and it really fucked up my internal cycles. I would like to go on it again, but I'm afraid if I go traveling again I won't be able to obtain a steady supply and that will happen. I'm feeling pretty trapped. I need help, but from what or whom is beyond me. My support system are a bunch of vagabonds spread all over the map. I am trying so, so hard to figure things out. And I know I'm misjudged often for not trying hard enough, for being lazy or wanting to stay in the state I'm in for whatever reason by more functional people, and it's so fucking far from the truth. I'm falling apart and I need an escape route. I don't know.