The title has to do with a dream I just had three nights ago. It was one of those dreams that hang on to me for days, even though it was a nightmare thinking about it now is almost comforting. When I experience these I know there is learning to be done. I feel more and have more insight I think sleeping then when I'm awake, lately. The basic fundamentals of the dream were I was living in a tree, but it really was an apartment full of white walls and bright lights, and everyone was turning into zombies because of this sphinx virus. I had a large hand gun I carried to shoot the people there. In one room, the president was zombified and was locked in. It was pretty scary. Then I descended after four months. The virus only existed in the tree. The media immediately bothered me, asking me about how I felt up there. I was just digusted and speechless, and realized I was still carrying the gun. I tossed it on the street, appalled that I used it, and sad that I had to kill some of my closest friends. I felt that I was under a spell when I used it and now it was broken.

Well this is my first entry, and there's probably alot more to come. It all depends when I can get my hands on one of these contraptions. For an intense, dumping-it-all-on-ya-intro: I am a survivor of date rape and sexual abuse. Only in the past few years have I started to remember incest, and I think having a surgical abortion triggered the memories. Also, it's taken me a long time to rightfully name the experiences I had growing up. It's so weird I just started to call a spade a spade with the sexual abuse/date rape, since I've been a feminist since I was thirteen. I am twenty now, and I think I started to feel like the walking dead when I was about seventeen. From the time my sister was invovled with WTO when I was twelve untill sixteen, I was a passiontrashstorm, a self-destructive gutheart, but at least then I felt very alive. I had an enlightening experience in juvenile when I was caught as a runaway. My spirit exploded and I was at peace with chaos and free in the cell walls and compassionate and saw messages of beauty in everything. Now I scoff at ideas of unconditional love even though I want to believe in them, but I lost trust in people when I used to understand even love them despite everything. I know these things idealogically, but not like I know hunger.

So I've never lived in a "legit" place up untill now. I've either stayed at my mom's by law or desperation, squatted, slept in the woods, etc...and believe me I know rent is fucking theft and work wage-slavery, but I need some consistency. I'm tired of feeling like I'm always on the move and my roots ripped from the soil. I'm just not in the right mindset to be traveling or threatened with eviction/jail time when I lay down my head to sleep. It should be fun. It used to be fun. I've never taken care of myself before. I've been severely depressed for three years and it has changed because I haven't slowed down or created a safe space or looked into myself. I either lost my self in relationships or activist projects, hopped trains or drank down my sorrows. I have this huge, underlying fear of civilization crashing in my lifetime. I know I need to prepare or regardless I could be living in a better way. I'm not neccesarily  preparing right now and for once that's okay. If any thing happens, I remind myself, the earth will heal, and if I open the gift of death, I will die knowing myself.  I am starting a little garden in this place called the "no-car alley" in my town. And I started up critical mass again. Already, I'm overhwhelmed  with the garden because other people and organizing is involved and I have that stupid fear of judgement. I wish I could just relax, and enjoy the whole process of healing the earth, making this space a clean spot for homeless folk to stay and kids to hang out/play music in.. Really I want to read all the books I've got piled up, fill my room and rooftop with plants, become the village witch, stay on top of charting my fertility, eat healthy, stay organized. It's hard to do since I'm not used to this. Working and planning is hard to do because I've hardly got any energy. Ok, I'll stop rambling on. But it's good to ramble on this site. Fuck yes, Icarus project.... It's many tentacles secrete the salve for my wounds and draw in the stars in my expanseless and dark spirit.