Oh the sadness in my heart is almost exciting. I have to say I'm half drunk and I hope to hell he didn't take the rest of the beer we dumpstered together...So my best friend/love put a spell on me the past two weeks, ever since he hopped some trains to see me. And tonight I gave him a kiss goodbye in the yard as he goes off to ride the same line we did when we first met. A gyspy moth catepillar attatched itself to my inner thigh all the way home and it makes me think of my growing, transforming vagabond who reached inside so delicately. He's come a long fucking way then how things used to be. Now I'm all heartbroken and alone. It's a big deal for me to open up to someone sexually. It's even a bigger deal since he's been so careful and listened so well this time. I didn't have to numbly rehearse all the fucked up erotic robot stuff connected to my abuse, and I couldn't space out because he kept talking and asking me if things were okay. it's for the better though. I need my own space right now, having someone in it constantly was very overwhelming. I don't feel like a whole person yet or feel my part in the whole right now so I kind of melt and morph with him in a way--a somewhat unhealthy way. Hopefully in the fall when I see him again I'll be able to handle things. Lots of sychnronatic stuff has been happening lately but more on that sometime later...It's somewhat comforting to indulge in this feeling.